I apologize for not posting to my blog in several months. I’ve been focused on a real life problem and I doubt Mrs. Walters’ spell weaving can help this. With her track record, do I want her to try?
Yes, the insurance company did bribe me to have a wellness visit with a $75 gift card to the retailer of my choice. Who could resist? Well not me! All those books and things at Amazon? Oh yeah!
Since the visit was free – my favorite kind – I set myself up with an appointment and off I went to visit my new favorite family doc. My old favorite doc had retired without consulting me and I may hold this against her for another 5 minutes.
New doc had to ask the obvious question, “When was the last time you had a colonoscopy or mammogram?”
Well you can read “Mrs. Walters and the Colonoscopy” and know everything came out okay with that.
My response to the question of the boob squeezing session was “I don’t remember but it’s been several years and I won’t go back because they dropped the machine on me.”
“Really? How?” He looked puzzled.
“The machine had two separate sections – a top and a bottom. They set me up with my breast on the bottom part. Then the two technicians turned away and let go of the upper part. It landed right on my boob! I screamed and they looked at me with ‘what’s your problem’ looks. I was bruised for weeks.”
“That sounds really painful. They’ve redesigned the machine so that can’t happen now. You’ll be okay and you should get one.”
“Really should? Or ‘you are going to do this’. You have to tell me because I’ll waffle out unless ordered.”
“Oh your generation!” He laughed.
I deserved that.
“You are going to get a mammogram. I just sent the order. Call here to set it up.”
Well that left the door open for some solid procrastination. No one delays like me! So I did. The mammogram could wait until after the assault on my bottom end.
***
Colonoscopy down. Everything’s good. I am on a roll. Mammogram next with the same results and I could laugh my butt off all the way to my computer and Amazon’s site. Woot!
Not so fast.
So I get there and they ask, “When was your last mammogram?”
“Years ago at another center. Way back in 2005 or so and they dropped the machine on me. I swore I would never go back. I was so bruised up it took weeks to heal.”
They forgot to tell me the centers had merged. The technician I was talking to was one of the ones who dropped the machine on me. How embarrassing! I found this out about a week later. So just let me stumble along making a fool of myself …
1. Open mouth
2. Change feet
“We’ll just take a couple of ‘shots’ today.” The technician promised.
“Don’t drop the machine on me.”
She sighed.
They have changed the machine! No chances of it dropping on me. How times have changed! Now they can just twist me into an ice cream cone shape while causing pain but no bruising.
I spent the whole time picturing them putting male genitals – possibly belonging to the person who came up with this idea? into the machine and seeing how he liked it. That was helpful.
“Thank you. We’ll let you know the results when they are ready.”
If there’s a problem, it’ll be the left side I thought as I climbed into my Prius replacement for Sweet Pea the purple Saturn who really exists and headed for home.
***
“Hello there! Am I talking to ‘insert mispronounced never used first name’? If I am please state your date of birth.”
“Horrible first name with which my mother saddled me, we need you to come in for some further tests. The doctor isn’t comfortable with what he’s seeing and would like more. Say tomorrow?”
This is not good.
***
“Don’t drop the machine on me.”
“Did I drop it the last time?”
“Don’t drop the machine on me.”
***
“Hello. The doctor would like to do biopsies on two sites on your right breast. We’ll leave little metal reflectors in place so we know we looked at those areas in the future. Say tomorrow?”
***
“Don’t drop the machine on me.”
“Did I drop it the last time?”
“Don’t drop the machine on me.”
“I have to check to see if the bits of metal are in place.”
***
“We’ll have the results for you tomorrow. May we call you around 3 PM?”
“Ah, I’m picking my sister up from the airport.”
“Great! We’ll contact you then.”
Oh crap how do I explain this? She’s coming for a week of relaxation and fun. Now she’s walking into bad news! This is terrible. I just wanted her to have a good time. Now this.
***
“Hi there we need you to come into the office tomorrow to discuss the results. Say 10 AM?”
“Suzy? What’s going on?”
“Well …”
***
“Here’s the good news. The left breast is fine.”
“Oh goody.” Where’s the other shoe?
The lovely, kind person reached for a diagram, “The first site we looked at is fine. A plugged milk duct that hemorrhaged.”
When did that happen? My twins are 38. Shoe?
“Now the other site is an invasive carcinoma.”
Here it is.
“You’ll need surgery and to talk to an oncologist. These are the two best in the area. I’ll make the appointments for you. What’s good for you?”
“Just drop the machine on me, please.”
***
To be continued…